Transformational Men's Work: A Nervous-System Guide to Men's Groups

Men often need a room where vulnerability does not cost status

It was the first place that I came to as a man where it wasn't about what are you trying to achieve, it was all about where are you right now.

Raul places men's work as an ongoing relational practice.

All Kings is a peer-led men's group and we're dedicated towards mental health, emotional wellness and leadership development.

How All Kings holds men

Raul describes the container his organisation offers.

We create these containers, retreats, weekly circles and leadership courses so that we could unpack and understand the root of how we're operating.

Modeling honest language is the first move.

When we go in and I go in with a guy that did you know five years or 30 years in prison and we model what it is to be very honest and real, say the thing that's hard to say, say the thing that I don't want you to know about me. When I do that I cause permission for others to do the same.

Practices to open honest conversation

Raul shares simple, repeatable practices for group or one-on-one work.

The framework that some that we often use is something called a PEMS checkin, pems is physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.

He emphasises listening before fixing.

It's not about advising or saving or changing or anything like that, it's really creating a space where we could just be heard.

Raul names a short truth about disclosure in a safe container.

Shame dies when shared in a safe space.

Story prompts can help men reach beneath surface defences.

Archetypes, parts, and practical movement

Raul uses archetypal language as a map.

The warrior is in my stomach, it's the fire, it's the gut, the lover is the heart, the magician is the mind, the sovereign is the king.

He links honesty to responsibility in relationship and leadership.

To be able to articulate what's going on down there, this place down here that we got taught to ignore, to be able to navigate that process, that self-regulate or actually co-regulate in articulated support.

Vulnerability without follow-up can become theatrical; useful groups close the loop with requests and accountability.

Leading a circle and useful prompts

Raul’s facilitation pattern is compact and repeatable.

For us when we facilitate circle, our general framework is we do a drop in first, we do a check in on what's present for us, we always check out with what are we leaving with and we almost always give each other what we call blessings.

He recommends prompts that surface stories and formative influences.

Practice

Turn one men’s-group conversation into a safer regulation container

Use this if you lead, host, or attend a men’s group and want the room to support emotional development with less advice-giving, banter, and status management.

1. Start with a drop in using a PEMS check-in. Ask where people are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually so the room arrives in the body.
2. Model honesty to give permission. Share one real thing about your own state so others see vulnerable disclosure is allowed.
3. Ask the speaker what they need before responding. Offer, do you want me to just listen or would you like feedback, then follow their preference.
4. Use story prompts to access underlying emotion. Invite a formative story, for example where did you learn to be a man, what formed you, or what does this situation represent for you.
5. Close with a check-out, a blessing, and one accountable request. End by naming what the speaker will try before the next meeting and offer a brief recognition.

Free assessment

Map your nervous system patterns.

Take the Free Assessment

Continue exploring

• Browse the Nervous System Mastery masterclass guide library for more masterclass guides.
• Explore Internal Family Systems for Inner Work for a complementary map of protectors, vulnerability, and inner parts.
• Read Reset Your Nervous System for a simple way to downshift before a hard conversation.
• Pair this with Self-Regulating in High-Stress Situations if your main pattern is pressure, fear, or performance activation.